Female 20 + 124 words. Snow White. "Privatizing Christmas"

From A Dopey Christmas. By Paul Pasulka

Oh, get over it, you old cow. Every dog has its day. Christmas is yesterday’s dog. We are privatizing it. Free delivery? Bah! Hell, there will even be a service charge for putting coal in stockings. We’re cloning elves right now as infantry; refitting the sleighs as drones to protect our borders with Russia, Canada, and any-fucking-body else who tries to claim one foot of the northwest passage, any drop of water from the ice shelf, or any of  the natural resources. We’ll equip the reindeer with Tomahawk missiles - Mistletoes of mass destruction. Because my dear Santa Claus promised to totally satisfy me, whatever it takes. And I am not satisfied. Really, I doubt I ever will be. But this will be a start