Male. 20+. 293 words. ALAN: "Beast Brain." From Meep-meep.

By Paul Pasulka

No - no no No. You are gonna fuck this up. No. Relax. You are listening only to your beast brain. And beast brain has only four basic commands: Fight it, fuck it, eat it, or get me the fuck outta here. But fortunately the beast brain usually does not have direct access to the weaponry - teeth, fists, feet, penis, whatever. Voice even.

Why is that fortunate, you ask? See, I get it - he really jacked you up. And you really want to fuck him up. But look at you. You’re all like Wile E. Coyote and you’re gonna use some bomb or anvil from Acme Corp and we know how that turns out. No. Beast brain has to go to the boss - judgment. Yes, judgment. I know you think the boss is going to mess things up, right? No, if the boss is doing his job, he evaluates the situation for everyone’s benefit: “Yeah, he’s a total jerk - no redeeming value whatsoever. Fucking him up seems right. But there’s a problem.”

But you’re like: “What the fuck you talkin’ about? I said, ‘Kill him!’”

“Ah, did you take a good look at him? He’s six foot five, has four friends, probably is packin’. No, you’re gonna get us killed.”

“Fuck it! I do not care. Kill him!”

But the boss will not be so easily bullied: “I said no. Even if we do kill him, it’s probably gonna get messy - what with cops and getting punked in prison and all, and I am not going to let that happen.”

“Well, we’re not just gonna take it, are we?!”

“No, we are not, my impetuous little friend.  I will come up with a plan. And then we will get our revenge and keep all of our orifices intact. Now let me think.”