Male 25+. 318 words. Punch: "Turkey Baster." From When the Levee Breaks.
By Paul Pasulka
Oh, you will wish I was taking you to jail. No. I am on the lam. Internal Affairs is reopening the case about that faceless piece of shit. There was a malfunction with the Patrol car video. Didn’t happen to catch the - accident wherein he lost said face. Plus, they want this patrol vehicle back. Like that’s gonna happen.
Nope, I got it all figured out. I want what you had. Money. A beautiful woman perfect and pure. And those Whooo-hoos! So, I gotta find the woman who is not only great, but also great with child, and then get the millions I need. And you, Rosy, are my ticket to that. You, sir, are going to be recycled. Heckfire, one of your kidneys alone is worth over ninety thousand dollars. “Why only one?” you ask. I’d take both but then you’d die, now wouldn’t you? Oh, shit. I didn’t kick you in the kidney, did I? I am so impulsive sometimes.
No, dying too soon wouldn’t be good for harvesting your bone marrow, now would it? Two thousand grams, at twenty thousand per. Got a drill hooked up to a turkey baster for that. Wonder how it feels to have all the marrow sucked out of you. Say, you’ll let me know, won’t you?
Then other kidney, the lungs, the heart.
Now, where is your - correction - my princess Katherine? Oh, don’t worry. I will take care of her. And your baby? Children’s body parts are even more valuable. She can help too. Thirty-odd eggs over eight years? Gotta be a couple hundred K. After that, she’ll be showing her age and - Well, we’ll blow that bridge when we come to it. And the BMW? Guy at the chop shop’s gonna trade me a centrifuge for it. That’s for your DNA and antibodies. Another ten million right there. Worth a lot more than the Beamer, don’t you think?